The clean jokes thread

[chris l]

The Dalai Llama orders a takeaway; it arrives. He pays...

"Oi" He says; "Where's my change?"

"Ah" says the man behind the counter.... "Change must come from within..."

Fed, up he decides to order a hot dog

"Make me one with everything", he says...

 

[say wot]

.........

 

[RobH]

 

[Crackerjack]

There was a lad at school that identified as an Abacus. You could always count on him...

 

[Crackerjack]

My History teacher asked me where did Oliver Cromwell live, I replied "Was it Wartson hall"....?

 

[Crackerjack]

The Missus asked how did I get on at the Doctors over my Prostate exam - I told her he'd given me the thumb's up !

 

[Gauge]

Went into a clock repair shop other day
Got me wanger out and slapped it on the counter girl serving said this is a clock shop
not a cock shop
I said ok can you put two hands on this

 

[TerryK]

In ancient Rome there were four kinds of poison. Poisons I, II & III would kill instantly. Poison IV would just make you itchy!

 

[RobH]

 

[Wing Commander]

 

[Crackerjack]

Someone bought me a pair of London bridge trousers for Xmas. The problem is, they keep falling down....

 

[chris l]

A country was ruled by a dictator who was very paranoid. He rarely appeared in the public; he preferred to send one of his many doubles.

One day, the enemy attacked the palace. The survival of the dictator was in question. The doubles awaited news, trembling in fear. If the dictator died, they would be no longer useful, and with all the secrets they knew, the new regime surely wouldn’t let them live.

Finally, they are called into a conference room; one of the dictator’s chief advisors enters.

“My dear doubles!” he says. “I have good news and bad news.

The good news is that our beloved leader has survived the dastardly attack, and so, your services are still very much required.”

The doubles collectively sigh with relief.

Then a big man with an axe enters the room.

“Now for the bad news,” continues the advisor.

“He lost an arm…”

 

[biffo109]

our local clock repairer is an old german i heard him the other day talking to this clock he said. ve have vays of making you tock

 

[Natrix]

Well it's that time of year the ants start coming in and climbing up the kitchen units. So I'm using the old trick of putting some milk in a bowl outside as it's known to have a detrimental effect on reproduction where baby ants are born without toes, so stopping them climbing. This is known as "lack toes in toddler ants".

 

[Moz58]

A lot of them are not jokes and most of those that are, are not funny.

Still here looking

 

[Wing Commander]

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. . . and then it hit me.

 

[joe average]

I live just a stones throw away from a family who all died of mysterious head injuries

 

[Griddamus]

What do you call an Iranian/Russian firefighter?



Amir Panikova!

 

[Natrix]