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clean jokes thread

Young Mike the Bike gets pulled over by the police.

"This is a 30mph zone" says the officer. "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"28mph, according to my digital speedometer replies Mike.
"We have you at 36mph" says officer.
Mike responds "This is a brand new BMW, I would suggest your equipment may need calibrating"
"Do not be impertinent!" barks the officer.
"Is it illegal to call a policeman a knob?" asks Mike.
"Yes it is!!"
"Is it illegal to think the same"
"No, you can think what you like"

"Well, I think you are knob"

He got three points..
 
Newcastle lottery winner has announced he'll buy Newcastle United FC. The man was not available for comment but his wife told reporters. "He's over the moon and who knows what he would have done if he'd got a fourth number up".
 
An old cowboy went into a Starbucks and ordered himself a cup of coffee. He found a seat, tipped his hat back, and started sipping.

Not long after, a young woman sat down beside him and asked, “Excuse me, are you a real cowboy?”

The old man thought for a moment and said, “Well ma’am, I’ve spent my whole life breaking colts, herding cattle, fixing fences, branding calves, mending tractors, sleeping under the stars, and wrangling just about everything on four legs. So yeah, I reckon I am.”

The young woman nodded and said, “I’m a lesbian. I spend most of my day thinking about women. I wake up thinking about women, I shower thinking about women, I eat, watch TV, work—no matter what I’m doing, I’m always thinking about women.”

The cowboy tipped his hat politely, and they both sat in silence sipping their drinks.

A little while later, another man came along, sat on the other side of the cowboy, and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”

The old man looked up and said, “Well... I thought I was. But turns out... I might actually be a lesbian.”
 
A duck walked into a pub and ordered a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looked at him and said, “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working,” replied the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaimed the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” said the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly. Sorry about that.” said the barman as he pulled the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many a ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road” explained the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman couldn’t believe the duck and wanted to learn more but took the hint when the duck pulled a newspaper from his bag and proceeded to read it.

The duck read his paper, drank his beer, ate his sandwich, paid up, bid the barman a good day and left.

The same thing happened every few days for two weeks.

Then one day the circus came to town.

The ringmaster walked into the pub for a pint and the barman said, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous!” said the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

The next day when the duck came into the pub the barman said, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

“Swell. I’m always looking for the next job.” said the duck. "Where is it?”

"At the circus.” said the barman.

"The circus?" repeated the duck.

"That's right.” replied the barman.

"The circus?” the duck asked again.
“With the big tent?”

"Yeah.” the barman replied.

"With all the animals that live in cages and performers who live in caravans?" asked the duck.

"Of course,” the barman replied.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persisted the duck.

"That's right.” said the barman.

The duck shook his head in amazement, and said “What the **** would they want with a plasterer?”
 
A dwarf with a lisp goes to buy a horse.

"I want a female horth" he said to a dealer who shows him a mare. "Nithe horth, Can I thee her eythe?". Dealer picks him up and shows him its eyes. "Nithe eyeth, Can I thee her teeth?". He lifts dwarf and shows him her teeth. "Nithe teeth, Can I thee her twot?". Dealer lifts him up and shoves his head up the mares fanny and pulls him out a few seconds later, "I'll reefwaze that, Can I thee her wun awound"?
 
Sir Geoff Hurst was asked how he thought the England team of '66 would have done if they played against the Lionesses.

"I think we'd have won 1-0" he replied.

"Only 1-0?" questioned the reporter.

"Yes," said Geoff. "There's only me left now and I'm 83."
 
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds,

"Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says,

"No, I really think librarians are best -everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in:

"You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a
few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:

"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
 
A few anagrams from years ago.

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
 
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